


Illicit Affairs

by FullSwampWitch



Category: Apple TV, Dickinson (TV), Emily Dickinson - Fandom, Emily and Sue, Emisue - Fandom, Sue Gilbert - Fandom
Genre: Apple TV - Freeform, F/F, dickinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25602847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullSwampWitch/pseuds/FullSwampWitch
Summary: This is a multi-chapter, Dickinson/Emisue-centric story based on Taylor Swift’s song “Illicit Affairs.” It’s compiled of scenes I’d really love to see for Emily and Sue in the second season. Check out my other story, "It's Nice To Have a Friend." Please comment any feedback if you’ve enjoyed it. : )
Relationships: Emily Dickinson and Sue Gilbert, Emily and Sue - Relationship, emisue - Relationship
Comments: 35
Kudos: 351





	1. "Look at This Godforsaken Mess That You Made Me"

Emily rummaged through the fruit bowl in the kitchen, feeling peckish. Dinner wouldn’t be for another few hours and her stomach grumbled rather loudly under her corset.

She heard muted laughter just outside the door, and Lavinia and Sue came in with an array of parcels wrapped in paper.

“Jesus, did you buy the whole General Store?” Emily asked as the girls put down their things. 

Lavinia took the pin out of her bonnet, pulled it off her head and rested it on the table next to the biggest package, pointing from one to the other. “Roast for supper, veggies for soup tomorrow, and they fiiiiinally had oranges again, so I bought them out.”

“You were gone a long time,” Emily said. “It took you that long to food shop?”

“No, we also went to Betty’s,” Lavinia explained. “I got a new scarf, new shawl, and she’s working on this amaaazing new dress for Sue, you have to see.” She turned to Sue and clutched her forearm. “You’re going to look so beautiful!”

“As always,” Emily muttered under her breath.

“Emily!” For a second, Emily thought that maybe she’d heard, but Lavinia snatched the empty water bucket from the table and scoffed. “You were supposed to get more water before dinner! We’ll have nothing to boil the potatoes in now.”

“Oops,” Emily said. It was genuine, too. She’d been upstairs working on a poem since breakfast ended, and time just sort of slipped away.

Lavinia groaned. “Ugh. Fine.” She grabbed the bucket. “I’ll get it…again.” She gave Emily a dirty look before turning on her heel and heading out the back door. 

They were left alone. 

Sue couldn’t help but notice Emily’s averted gaze and the heavy, awkward silence that suddenly surrounded them.

“What’s the matter?”

Emily looked distressed. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again. And she looked back down at the floor instead of meeting Sue’s eyes. 

“I figured something out today.”

“Oh?” Sue inquired. “What’s that?”

“You haven’t kissed me in 187 days,” Emily finally murmured quietly, her eyes still on the floor.

Sue didn’t know what to say. So she said just that. 

“I…I don’t know what you want me to say to that, Emily. I mean…what do you expect me to say?”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Emily replied firmly, finally looking up at Sue and shaking her head. “I just wanted you to know that.”

She picked up an orange from the table, then turned to the staircase, and treaded up just a touch heavier than usual.


	2. “You Showed Me Colors You Know I Can’t See With Anyone Else”

“I see you, you know.”

They had been chopping carrots in silence across from each other at Sue and Austin’s dining room table. It was a Sunday, and Sue had invited the whole family over for Sunday supper that evening. This would be one of the few times Emily had volunteered, even eagerly, to help prepare the banquet.

They had talked about trivial things like the weather and how Ned was sleeping through the night now. 

And then suddenly, while they worked, Sue came out with that. 

Emily was a little confused. “You see me?”

Sue put down her knife, looking as if she wanted to word this really carefully. “Emily, I just want you to know…just because I’m here, and just because things have changed…it doesn’t mean I don’t look at you anymore. That I don’t notice you.” She paused, and was now the one averting her gaze. Sheepish. Wistful. Calculated. “That I don’t miss you.”

Emily’s knife was also still while she processed what was said.

“You were outside lying in the grass the other day,” Sue continued, gesturing toward the adjacent path between both houses. “And I kept making it a point to pass the window so I could just…look. Catch split-second moments with you.”

Emily swallowed hard, remembering her afternoon in the grass looking at clouds. She didn’t know Sue had been watching.

“And you looked so-” Sue sighed. “Beautiful…and so…lonely, just lying there alone in the sun. And what I would’ve given to drop my apron and come meet you.” 

She looked dreamily out that window, at that patch of grass, likely imagining it. How she would have laid down next to her, felt the sun on her face, and let her newfound responsibilities fall away, even for a short while to just enjoy Emily’s company in a way she had before.

In their past arrangement, now would have been the time Emily sprang from her chair, rounded the table in a flash, and took Sue’s face into her hands. 

But instead, in this new arrangement, she did her best to swallow the lump in her throat and focus on those stupid carrots. 

And pray that, even if she never knew it, Sue continued to look.


	3. "Take the Words for What They Are"

Sue and Austin threw a huge party at the Evergreens for his birthday in April.

Austin invited some former classmates and some people he worked with at the firm, and Sue just kind of lingered by him for the majority of the night, half smiling, and half listening to the chatter. 

Everyone wanted to know more about Austin’s beautiful wife. She shook a lot of hands. 

Emily showed up fashionably late in this gorgeous maroon dress. Her hair was half up and loosely curled, and a lot of eyes turned toward her when she entered the parlor. Naturally.

Sue surveyed the room from time to time, trying to be a good hostess, taking small sips of wine, and, admittedly, often tuning Austin out. There were only so many times she could hear the same small talk, the same jokes, the same banter. In a room full of people, she was actually kind of bored.

She observed Emily across the room. How she casually leaned against the doorframe. How she talked to people, made them laugh, and looked so effortlessly beautiful while doing it. She had this power to charm everyone she met, even if, after everything, they claimed that she was strange. 

She was refreshing. The other women in the room batted their eyelashes, held their glasses with their pinkies out, and seemed so poised and stiff and expectedly feminine for the time. But Emily always appeared casual, like she wasn’t ever trying to be someone she wasn’t. Not overly careful. She threw back shots of brandy. She spoke animatedly with her hands. She was unapologetically herself. And she didn’t care if she didn’t fit society’s expectations of what a woman should be like. 

Sue gently smiled, feeling inner affection pool and overwhelm her. This was the Emily she was always so drawn to. This magnetic, charismatic, silly, stunning creature. The illumination in a dull space. Her best friend. 

Sue wished she could clear the room, yell “fire” or fain some kind of illness that would force everyone else to leave. She imagined dragging Emily out to the orchard where they could just be left alone. Even in the dark. Even if they just sat in silence. The kind of silence that comes when two people understand each other.

She continued to sip her wine. Austin put his hand on the small of her back, and introduced her to another former schoolmate and his wife, so she had to abandon that train of thought and what occupied her eye line. She began to loosen up, spoke with more people, finally began to enjoy herself and all the compliments she received on their beautiful home. 

But her eyes wandered to that corner, and that woman that she wasn’t supposed to have these kinds of feelings for anymore, more often than she’d ever show or like to admit.

Near midnight, Sue stumbled to the kitchen. She was feeling tired from standing in heels, drinking a copious amount of red wine, and faking so many smiles at guests. She was hoping maybe if she splashed some water on her face, took a moment to take some deep breaths and have quiet time, she’d begin to sober up - at least enough to clean up the parlor a little bit before she and Austin retired to bed. 

Almost everyone had gone, even Lavinia, but a few stragglers remained with Austin on the porch, smoking rolled cigarettes and laughing uproariously about childhood whims, and pranks they had played on college professors.

“Hey.”

Sue looked up to see Emily, who was carrying used wine and brandy glasses between all her fingers. She carefully rested them down on the chopping block to be washed.

“I just didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.” She noticed Sue kind of hunched over, leaning against the table in front of a bowl of water. “Are you okay?”

“I’m drunk,” Sue admitted with a smirk.

Emily sort of laughed. She moved toward Sue. “Too much wine? Here…you should sit down.”

She held both of Sue’s elbows, trying to guide her into a chair.

“It’s late, you don’t have to take care of me,” Sue slurred.

“Yeah, I do.”

Sue stopped them in the middle of the kitchen, suddenly looking very serious, examining Emily’s face. She looked into her eyes, and moved a hand up to brush some of Emily’s hair out of her face with her fingertips and tuck it behind her ear. Her fingers lingered there for an extra moment.

She sighed. 

“I really love you.” 

She said it matter-of-factly. That liquid courage.

Evidence of surprise showed in Emily’s eyebrows. And she gulped. She looked hesitant, but quietly asked anyway. “Like a sister?”

Sue shook her head. “No.”

Her eyes grew soft and glazed over. She looked at Emily’s lips, up to her eyes, and back down again. And this feeling that came over her was just too intense and too strong to suppress anymore. It was like she moved in slow motion, closing the already small gap between their bodies, pulling Emily’s face down to hers and aggressively, urgently, tenderly sucking on her bottom lip. Emily blinked a few times as she was kissed, but soon melted into Sue’s embrace, clutching her waist, tasting the remnants of the wine, kissing her back with all the longing and fire that had built up since the last time they had done this.

It took everything in Emily to stop it.

“Sue,” she whispered breathlessly, their foreheads touching. “We shouldn’t.”

She licked her lips and took a half step back, though she still held Sue in her arms.

“We can’t. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk,” Sue said, eyes still closed, leaning in to kiss her again. 

But then Emily broke their contact for good. 

“I’ve wanted you to kiss me again for a long time,” she said. “But I wanted you to be of complete sound mind if and when you did.”

Sue didn’t say anything. Deep down, even befuddled and so lustful she could barely think, she understood. 

“I’m sorry” was all she came up with.

Emily walked back to the water bowl, picked up a cup and filled it. “Don’t be.” She handed the cup to Sue so she would drink. “Can I help you up to bed?”


	4. “Clandestine Meetings and Longing Stares”

i.

Sue went to the Dickinson’s the morning after the party to collect Ned, who spent the night with his grandmother so Sue and Austin could better enjoy it, and so Ned could actually sleep in peace and quiet.

She announced herself at the front door, but nobody came to greet her. Not even Maggie. But there were candles lit on the dining room table and in the hallway, so she knew someone in the family had to be around somewhere.

During the short walk there, she was hoping Mrs. Dickinson would hand Ned off rather quickly, and she could slip away again without seeing Emily. At least not yet. She hadn’t had enough time to think about what to say to her, and she didn’t want to be awkward or cold, or potentially ruin what had happened between them last night. And she didn’t want her inevitable blushing cheeks in Emily’s presence to get Mrs. Dickinson’s attention in any sort of way. 

Parts of the previous evening were fuzzy to Sue, for sure, but she’d have to be dead to forget her moment with Emily in the kitchen. In truth, she hadn’t stopped thinking about it since. Even lying next to Austin in bed last night, her mind was full of Emily. The feeling and pressure of Emily’s lips, the soft skin of her neck under her fingertips, the way Emily held her and how their bodies fit together and moved together in sync. Thinking of it made Sue’s heart beat faster. 

“Maggie?” she called up the stairs. “Lavinia?”

“They’re not here,” a voice said.

Sue turned to see Emily, who had come through the door connecting the hallway to her greenhouse. She was holding a bouquet of flowers she’d collected and tied together with a ribbon. 

“My mother and Vinnie took Ned for a walk a bit ago,” Emily explained. “Maggie went to town. I’m sure they won’t be long.”

Sue nodded in acknowledgement. 

Emily smiled at her and sort of looked her up and down. 

“You look pretty.”

Sue looked down at her blue and white dress and smiled sheepishly. “Thank you.”

Emily walked toward her. “I, uh…” She cleared her throat. “I actually made this for you.”

She handed Sue the bouquet. Sue brought it up to her nose to smell the flowers. She admired the arrangement Emily had put together, and knew exactly where she could put it on display once she returned home. 

“Thank you,” Sue said again. “They’re beautiful.”

Then they were surrounded by silence again. Emily pursed her lips and kind of teetered in place for a moment, clearly trying to think of what to say next. Maybe it was better to just bite the bullet and get on with it, and not pretend like they didn’t have something very important to talk about.

“Look…Sue - ” she began.

But Sue cut her off. “Emily, I’m sorry about what happened last night.”

Emily stood with her mouth agape. “You’re sorry?” She swallowed, preparing herself emotionally. Sue apologizing didn’t seem like a very good sign. “Does that mean you regret it?”

“The opposite, actually,” Sue said. She shook her head. “It shouldn’t have taken me getting drunk to say it.”

Emily smiled and sighed with relief. The anxiety that had just collected in her chest melted away just as quickly as it had come. “So…” She needed confirmation. “You do love me?”

“So much,” Sue whispered. 

Emily wanted to pull her in right there, standing in the foyer, but knew anyone could walk in any second. It wasn’t the right time or place. She quickly glanced up the stairs, then turned back to Sue and took her hand.

“Come with me.”

ii.

Lavinia and Mrs. Dickinson returned home just as it started raining. Thunder clapped overhead and Ned began to cry, frightened of the loud noise. Mrs. Dickinson cooed at him and patted his back, trying to soothe his fussing, but was unsuccessful.

“Here, Mom, let me try,” Vinnie said, reaching for the baby. Mrs. Dickinson announced that she was going to grab more candles since the dark storm clouds had significantly dimmed the interior of the house. 

Lavinia bounced the baby on her hip, shushing his cries, making silly faces at him until the crying ceased. “Good boy,” she said. “You’re okay, Auntie Vinnie’s got you.” She smiled at him affectionately and kissed his head. 

Austin came barging through the door, soaked with rainwater, which was now falling in torrents against the windows. 

“Ugh!” he exclaimed. “I took my horse for a ride and thought we’d beat the rain.”

Mrs. Dickinson entered the foyer again as Austin shook water out of his hair. 

He glanced between the women and peeked into the dining room. “Has anyone seen my wife?”

iii.

Sue slammed Emily into the door of her bedroom. They were flushed, breathing heavily, and pawing at each other. Emily smiled into Sue’s lips and inhaled deeply, clutching the fabric of Sue’s dress tightly in her hands. 

“I think I hear voices,” Emily whispered, but Sue just continued peppering her face with kisses.

“Mmm,” she grunted in affirmation. “We’ll go down in a minute.”

The kissing resumed, the rain grew loud against the windows, and Emily had to pull her face away after a few moments to catch her breath.

“You take my breath away,” she said, eyes closed, moving her hands up to Sue’s face. Sue held her wrists, keeping them there. She kissed her one last time.

“Collect yourself,” Sue said quietly. “We musn’t look wrinkled or red about the face.”

Emily nodded and they separated, smoothing their dresses, wiping any saliva away, tucking any stray hairs. Then Emily opened the door and off they went.

“Austin,” Sue said in surprise, stopping in her tracks on the stairs. “You’re here. And all wet.”

“Yeah, I thought my horse would make it home before the skies opened up.” He was now rocking Ned in his arms. “Ready to go?” Oblivious.

Sue nodded. Grabbing the bouquet of flowers Emily had made her, she thanked Mrs. Dickinson for caring for the baby overnight, accepted the shawl she was given to shield herself from the downpour, gave Emily one last glance, and ran out into the storm after her husband and son.


	5. "You'll Be Flushed When You Return"

i.

They snuck around all summer. 

Sue living so close by was a convenience that they both took full advantage of, stealing moments whenever an opportunity presented itself. Sometimes they’d meet in the barn, in the woods, or in one of their homes whenever people weren’t there. 

Sometimes Sue would sneak away in the dead of night, and they’d kiss in the glow of the moon, their whispers and giggles drowned out by the sound of crickets and frogs in the darkness. 

It was easiest when Emily would come over while Austin was at work. They’d end up naked on the sofa, their dresses strewn, and chores a complete afterthought, tasting the sweat on each other’s faces and necks.

Being so naughty and so secretive was intoxicating. This was a rebellion they could control. And there was something about the summer heat that boiled their blood and made taking their clothes off that much more satisfying.

Around others, they mostly communicated with their eyes. They had to. And they were good at it. It was helpful that they’d always been close. Nobody suspected anything out of the ordinary. Friends spend time together. Friends smile at each other.

Emily had written a whopping seventeen poems in just a couple of months. Sometimes she and Sue would sit under Emily’s tree or sunbathe in the middle of a field, and Sue would rest her head in Emily’s lap and read over them, making suggestions, giving praise, encouraging Emily to write more. Her editor and muse. 

Every week, Mrs. Dickinson would have Sue and Austin over for cold tea. On a humid afternoon in late August, she and Lavinia were particularly gossipy. 

“You remember Anna Abernathy?” Mrs. Dickinson asked. “You went to school with her, Emily. Used to live out on Walnut Hill?”

Emily nodded, chewing her mouthful of scone. She remembered Anna’s freckles and auburn ringlets. A nice girl. 

“Well,” Mrs. Dickinson continued, glancing furtively between her company. “Word around town is that she and her husband John have separated. She was sporting around with another man. Can you believe that?”

Lavinia chimed in. “Jane Humphrey heard that John came home and walked in on them, and she said apparently the other man wasn’t even that good looking. And doesn’t have as much money. A blacksmith or something. What a weird choice.”

Mrs. Dickinson shook her head, sipping from her teacup. “How despicable. And in his own house.” She put her cup down in order to really drive this point home. “When you get married, you make a vow in front of God to be faithful and loyal and only love that one other person. She should be absolutely ashamed.”

Sue grew tense hearing this. A lump grew in her throat and a bout of nausea gurgled in her gut. “How awful,” was all she could muster. She couldn’t bear to look at Austin next to her, even as he offered her the other half of his scone. 

ii. 

Sue had been quiet, very in her head for the remainder of tea and the short walk she, Austin, and Ned had made back to their home. 

She changed Ned into his night shirt, read to him quietly as he fell asleep, planted a kiss on his forehead, and then returned to the parlor downstairs. She sat silently looking at the fire that crackled in the hearth.

From behind, Austin came to the back of the couch and placed a small box in her lap. He rounded the side and came to sit next to her. She was slightly startled by his presence, as he had come so silently, but she smiled at the gesture and opened the box.

Inside was a shining silver necklace with small ruby gems that dangled delicately from woven silver chains. Intricate and beautiful. And clearly a piece that cost a pretty penny. It was probably the nicest piece of jewelry Sue had ever owned.

“What’s this for?” she asked, running her fingers over the jewels.

Austin took the necklace from her, leaning to put it around her neck and fasten the clasp. 

“You do so much for me and Ned,” he began. “I just wanted to get something for you to show how much I appreciate you. You keep a beautiful home and you take care of us.”

She looked down at the necklace against her chest, then up at his face.

“Thank you,” she said. “Austin, it’s lovely.”

He kissed her cheek. “I’m glad you like it.” He ran his thumb over her jawbone. “I love you.”

She moved in to hug him. “I love you, too.”

She had grown to really love Austin. Maybe not in the typical way people who marry tend to love each other. It’s not like she had fallen head over heels for him, could picture no life without him, and swooned at his mere existence. But he was a good man, a good father to Ned, and provided a good life for them. He had a kind heart and meant well. She could do worse. Maybe she wasn’t _in_ love with him the way she wanted to be, or the way she felt people were meant to love their spouse, but she did care for Austin a great deal. And he was her husband. 

She had a terrible nightmare that night. 

Her wrists were bound, and she was profusely sweating, surrounded by flames that roared and billowed around her. The heat was unbearable, and she could hardly breathe or hear anything above the roars and distant screams. A faceless being with a dark, booming voice addressed her. 

“Sue Gilbert Dickinson,” it spoke. “You are being punished for committing the unforgivable sin of adultery. You will suffer for all eternity, alone, ashamed, and with no one to come help or save you.”

She saw images of Emily and Austin among the cracking flames, their wrists also bound, bloody, screaming, something invisible tormenting them and causing them this pain. That same invisible force kept Sue from turning her head away, or being able to close her eyes. She had to stare at this gruesome, heart-wrenching image. 

“Everyone you have ever loved,” the voice continued, “and who have ever loved you, were destroyed by what you’ve done.”

She tried to scream back at the voice, tried to wriggle her wrists free from her restraints, but no noise emitted from her throat. 

The flames only grew closer to her, she felt her skin begin to burn and bubble, and the voice, louder than ever, said “Your punishment begins now.”

She suddenly awoke in the pitch darkness of the bedroom, soaking wet with sweat, panting, frightened. She was paralyzed in place, her heart racing, and couldn’t even swallow comfortably due to the dry, raw state of her throat. 

Austin quietly breathed next to her, asleep and none the wiser.

And she lied there chewing her fingernails and thinking until the sun came up.


	6. “And it Dies and it Dies and it Dies…a Million Little Times”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A particular line from Sue was cut from the original Pilot script. I needed to fit it into a fic somewhere. ; ]

“Your mom said you were in here.”

Sue stood in the doorway of the Dickinson’s kitchen. Emily was given the task of cleaning the breakfast dishes because Lavinia had done them after all three meals the day before. She was forearm-deep in a bucket of water, her sleeves rolled up, and her hair pinned back in a loose bun. She smiled warmly.

“I didn’t know you were coming by.”

Sue took a few steps in as Emily set down a plate and began patting her arms and hands dry with a cloth.

“Yeah,” Sue said quietly. “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Sure.” Emily hopped up to sit on the kitchen table. “Or we could…not talk.”

She brushed a bit of Sue’s hair behind her ear, letting her thumb linger for a second on Sue’s cheek. 

They locked eyes again in that particular way, and one could cut the tension that arose between them with a knife. Emily looked directly at Sue’s lips, feeling her face flush with heat, but Sue broke their eye contact and turned away. She loudly sighed.

“I can’t keep doing this with you,” Sue said, stepping forward and taking a few steps further away from her.

She turned back to face Emily after a moment, her hands resting on the small of her back. 

“I’m married,” she said, bluntly. “And to your brother, no less. It’s not fair to him. And it’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to me.”

Emily’s expression fell, not expecting this. She felt her eyes immediately begin to water as Sue’s words ruminated in her mind. What did she mean!? This couldn’t be over. It could never be over. “Sue…”

But Sue just shook her head. “Emily, it isn’t right.” 

Emily jumped down from the table with a thud.

“Is this about yesterday? What my mother said about Anna Abernathy?”

Sue shook her head no even though it was kind of true. Hearing the surface-level details about Anna’s affair and the way Mrs. Dickinson and Lavinia had talked about it, their words dripping with judgment and disdain, really woke Sue up to the reality of what she and Emily were doing. 

She would feel humiliated if the townspeople somehow found out that she were being unfaithful in her marriage. But to also be unfaithful to her husband with a woman, and a woman who happened to be her husband’s sister? If that ever came out, she would have to disappear. She would be condemned. Shunned. And it made her stomach hurt to think about what would happen to Emily in the aftermath of something like that. What Austin would do. What her parents would think.

It was easy to hide in their blissful bubble. To kiss behind corners, sneak to each other in the darkness of night – but all it would take was one mistake. One bad judgment in timing or location. And it would all explode.  
The nightmare she had had last night and the sleeplessness that ensued brought her to this decision. Sue resolved to go to the Dickinson’s first thing in the morning and tell Emily that it was over. That she’d always be her best friend, but the love they felt for each other needed to become strictly platonic, as difficult as that would be. It just had to.

“Nobody needs to know about this. About us,” Emily pleaded. “We’ve kept it hidden all this time, it doesn’t have to be any different now.”

“But it is different,” Sue said. “I made a legal vow to Austin. In front of your family and in front of God.” She rubbed her fingers over one of her eyebrows, thinking. “God wouldn’t approve of this.”

Thinking of the heat and flames from her nightmare ironically sent a chill through her body.

Emily stepped forward and took her hand.

“But I love you,” she said, her voice beginning to break. “You…you said you loved me, too.” She looked down at their hands, and then up into Sue’s eyes.

“I do. You know I do,” Sue murmured, so quietly it was almost whispered. “Emily, I love you so much, I feel like I might go to hell for it.”

Emily was desperate now, nearly crying, partially out of frustration, confusion, and sadness, and partially because Sue had, again, admitted to loving her, something that happened infrequently. 

“God would never object to what we have,” Emily said firmly. She took Sue’s other hand and clutched them both in hers. “This is real. This is what most people wish for…wait their whole lives for.”

Sue pulled her hands away, swallowing hard. “We can’t always have what we want in this world,” she said. “…Especially as women.”

It killed Sue to say it. To act this way. But the only way Emily would stop saying those things is if Sue was blunt and hurtful. 

A tear fell from Emily’s eye as Sue walked to the door. Sue paused, and shut her eyes as she felt her own tears coming. She didn’t look back, not wanting Emily to see. 

“I’m sorry.”

And then she was gone.


	7. “Tell Yourself You Can Always Stop”

Sue stayed at home for the rest of the week. She couldn’t bear to face Emily, and she hid away, stewing in her shame and sadness behind the shutters of The Evergreens. 

She faked a stomach flu to get her and Austin out of the dinner invitations Mrs. Dickinson had offered. And aside from taking Ned out for brief bouts of fresh air and collecting mint leaves from the garden, she shut herself up in the house, curtains drawn, sitting in long periods of silence. 

It made her feel like a coward. But she kept trying to convince herself that it was easier this way. They needed time away from each other. Eventually, hopefully soon, this ache that she felt in her chest, and the guilt that she felt for the situation as a whole, would somehow melt away. Or at least would be muted in time. 

She told herself that she could stop loving Emily. At least in ways she wasn’t supposed to love her. In ways that weren’t proper in the eyes of society and the Lord, which she didn’t really put much stock in until recently. They were legally sisters now. And like Sue had told her, in this life, they simply couldn’t have everything they wanted. 

But as much as she told herself this and repeated it in her head all day, she couldn’t help but feel awful because she knew Emily was hurting, too. She couldn’t stop picturing Emily’s heartbroken expression. Her tears in the kitchen. The way she clutched Sue’s hands and asked her if she really loved her. She was almost sure Emily was also lying awake at night and wishing things were different. 

Every time she managed to sleep, Emily was in her dreams. They weren’t scary this time. They were lovely and warm, but Sue would wake feeling sadder every time. 

It didn’t take Austin long to notice Sue’s melancholia.

“What’s the matter, my darling?”

She just pursed her lips and shrugged, unable to think of something to fib about on the spot. 

“Maybe I’m just fatigued,” she said. “Everything is fine. I’ll be okay.”

And that seemed to appease him.

The first time she left the house was to attend church. 

She was afraid to look behind her and scan the pews in case Emily was there. But despite her mild fear to see Emily in attendance, the mass provided a nice distraction for her. It was good to exchange friendly greetings with some neighbors, hear how handsome Ned was becoming, and sing along to the hymns. This communal event made her feel much less isolated. 

Toward the end of the hour, the pastor turned their attention to a reading from the Corinthians. 

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance,” he preached.

That stung. Especially the part about love never giving up. 

Sue thought about how she had given up. Her intense love for Emily didn’t, and couldn’t, endure every circumstance. She wished so hard that they lived in a world that allowed it to. 

“God won’t force you to love Him because he knows love can’t be forced,” the pastor continued. 

And then Sue’s ears started to ring. She suddenly felt very hot, like she couldn’t breathe in her corset, and she hurriedly passed Ned, who sat in her lap, off to his father. 

“I…” she whispered. “I need air, I’ll- I’ll be back. Excuse me.”

She rose from her seat, slid past the man sitting at the aisle, and walked straight for the doors of the church without looking up. 

Outside, she took deep breaths, smelling burning wood in the September air, crunching some newly fallen leaves underneath her shoes. She paced at the bottom of the church stairs. 

Love can’t be forced. The pastor had said it. And she thought about how _not_ loving couldn’t be forced either. It was something one just couldn’t help. 

Now her emotional turmoil was even more heightened. Conflicting emotions boiled up to the surface. She wanted to scream, or run to the tree line, but soon Austin was by her side. The mass had ended and people filtered out of the church doors.

“Are you alright?” Austin asked, gently bouncing Ned in his arms. 

“Let’s go home,” was all she said.


	8. "What Started in Beautiful Rooms"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Side note: the real Emily and Sue didn't meet until around age 20, but in Dickinson, they were childhood friends. Sue says in the Pilot that they were fourteen years old when they made a promise to never marry and to become great writers together. If it's not already clear, I'm following Dickinson's timeline and not the real life one scholars have pieced together.)

Emily spent days sequestered in her room, examining the patterns on her ceiling and in her wallpaper, or sitting at her desk and staring out the window. Her bedroom faced the side of Sue and Austin’s house, and through the trees, she was able to see the glow of candles in the evenings and the occasional movement in their bedroom. 

She felt it was some sort of ironic punishment for their bedrooms to face each other. To be so close in proximity, but so far away emotionally right now from what they had been. She tried so hard not to look – to not _want_ to look – but she found herself at her window every day, squinting hard in the direction of Sue’s house, hoping to catch even a splint-second glimpse of her at this distance.

On the third day, she saw Sue in her garden for seven whole minutes. It was just the back of her as she knelt down to pick mint leaves while Ned toddled around her in the grass. But Emily was frozen in place, her hand on the windowpane, staring intently and longingly, wishing she could taste the tea that those mint leaves were for. Sue was back inside all too quickly. 

Emily was still so confused. 

How could Sue just change her mind about their whole arrangement so quickly? They had gone from being together all the time, having fun, loving each other, being sneaky and wild, to being…nothing. To not even speaking. 

Emily had always known the risks that came with having a relationship like they did, but it wasn’t something they really talked about at length. For the most part, it was easier and more enjoyable to just give in to their feelings and not worry about anything else. Life was too short. And they knew, deep down, that they were their happiest, most authentic selves when they were together.

But now Emily felt like a hollow shell. Sue had declared that her commitment to Austin was suddenly more important. Hearing the story about what happened with Anna Abernathy must have scared her too much to continue. 

Emily rolled her pencil back and forth on the surface of her desk, unable to think of anything to write. Uninspired. Sad. She barely ate or slept, and spent much of her time just trying to understand. She tried to read or draw, or distract herself with other things, but all she could picture in her mind was Sue’s face, and feel the overwhelming emptiness that she had left behind. She missed her eyes and her hands, and being able to hold her like she liked to. She missed having someone to talk to. And all the other parts of their messy entanglement.

Since she had no appetite or energy, Mrs. Dickinson was convinced that Emily had caught the same stomach bug Sue said she had gotten, so nobody bothered Emily when she quarantined in her room. It wasn’t necessarily unusual for Emily to spend a lot of time alone, but Mrs. Dickinson was very paranoid of any sort of illness being spread through the family. So they all just let her be. 

That Sunday, her mother didn’t even open Emily’s bedroom door to tell her they were off to church. She just relayed the news from the hallway and said they’d be back later. 

Once the house was empty, Emily finally let herself cry. A loud, anguished wail. She had been shedding tears periodically for days, but not like this. The loneliness finally crept all the way in. 

She ventured downstairs to get herself water. Some for drinking, and some to wash her face and soothe her crying eyes. And she spent the rest of the afternoon re-reading _Romeo and Juliet_. It seemed appropriate. Star-crossed lovers who are unable to be together, and who feel so much immediate and desperate passion for each other that it destroys them both. Familiar somehow. 

She remembered what it was like to be so young and so in love for the first time. She and Sue were fourteen, and Sue had been braiding Emily’s hair on the floor of Emily’s room, and when the last pieces had been patterned and the ribbon had been tied tightly at the bottom, Emily turned around, and that was the first time they kissed. It happened fast. But then it happened again. And then all Emily could think about was how Sue’s warm breath felt on her face. How soft her lips felt. What she tasted like. And the rumbling started. And they went on that way until last year.

When it got too dark to read the play anymore, even with lamps lit, and when her eyes got too tired and strained, Emily closed the book and tossed it to the floor. She beat and fluffed the pillow beneath her and adjusted herself in bed. She couldn’t stop hearing Sue’s voice in her head. _"We can’t always get what we want in this world.”_ What an awful, depressing thought. What a sad existence. And she hated that that was the last conversation they’d had. She wondered if Sue had even been thinking of her at all.

She thought about going to see what Lavinia was doing, but knew Lavinia had likely already been asleep since sundown. She was an early riser. The house stood silent, so she just continued lying there, listening to the wind whip outside. 

Her attention snapped to the bedroom door when she heard the doorknob turn quietly. 

And then suddenly Sue was in her room, her hair tied back, and her coat draped over her arm. She closed the door behind her as quietly as possible. 

“Sue?” Emily sat up slightly. “What…what are you doing here?”

Sue kicked off her shoes in the dark corner, dropped the coat, lifted the blankets off of Emily and got on top of her in bed. She silently pulled her own nightgown up over her head and let it fall to the floor.

“I’m getting what I want.”


	9. “Make Sure Nobody Sees You Leave…”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sue is a top.

i.

Before Emily could even grasp what was happening, Sue was kissing her, holding her weight up with one forearm and pulling one of Emily’s hands up by the pillow to intertwine their fingers together. Emily was pinned against the bed. She felt Sue’s tongue graze along her bottom lip, and in the flicker of the lone candlelight on her side table, she pulled back to look at Sue’s glowing face. They silently examined each other’s features for a moment.

Emily wanted to ask so many questions. And at the same time, didn’t care about the answers that Sue may have to offer right now. All she could do was smile.

Sue released Emily’s hand and began to plant kisses along her left collarbone. After days of feeling lonely and sad, and like she’d lost Sue forever and they would never be like this again, Emily couldn’t believe this was really happening. She inhaled deeply, breathing Sue in, cradling her head and grasping a fistful of her hair. She pulled Sue’s face back to hers and kissed her more passionately now, running her hands up Sue’s bare back, clutching her to her body, gently digging her fingertips into Sue’s warm flesh. 

She wrapped one of her legs around the back of both of Sue’s, subtlety grinding their hips together, and she opened her mouth to receive Sue’s tongue. A gentle moan escaped her throat. They were quickly getting out of breath. 

Sue put all her weight on her knees, lifting herself slightly off of Emily and pulling Emily’s nightgown upward, over her hips and above her bellybutton. She planted a kiss on Emily’s forehead, and Emily put her hands up so Sue could pull the nightgown off completely, discarding it on the floor next to her own. She ran a hand over Emily’s bare chest, kissing her sternum bone, feeling the goose bumps rise all over Emily’s skin. 

She licked her lips, looked Emily in the eyes, then moved downward to position herself between Emily’s legs. Warmth pooled in Emily’s belly, and shivers ran through her body as Sue gently kissed the skin along her lower stomach and legs. 

Emily closed her eyes, arching her body off the bed, feeling Sue’s wet tongue make contact with the aching nerves that throbbed and pulsated between her thighs. Her breath caught in her throat, one hand clutching the edge of the bed, and one holding Sue’s head in place. Sue pulled back just enough to run two fingers against her tongue, moistening them and then making them disappear. And then Emily didn’t care to think anymore. 

ii. 

Emily woke with the movement of the bed. She rubbed her eyes, and looked up at Sue, who moved about the room, putting her nightgown back on and shoving her feet into the boots by the door.

“You leavin’ me?” Emily asked in her sleepy voice.

“I have to,” Sue said quietly, picking up her coat from the floor. “The sun will be up soon, which means the baby will wake up soon, which means Austin will be up soon.”

Emily knew her mother and Lavinia would likely rise very shortly, too.

“I just don’t want to have to explain anything to him,” Sue added. 

She sat back on the bed and leaned down to give Emily a kiss. “Come over later. _You_ deserve an explanation. And Austin is going into town with George at 11:00. We can…spend time.” She gave Emily a particular look.

Emily smiled softly, and Sue ran her thumb across her cheek. 

“Last night meant a lot to me,” Sue whispered. “Even if my jaw is now killing me.”

They both laughed for a beat. Sue kissed her one more time before getting up from the bed and slipping silently out the bedroom door. She came and went like a ghost. 

Emily stretched out in the middle of the bed now, still naked under the blankets, closing her eyes again and waiting for sleep to overtake her for at least another hour. Sue’s scent lingered in her bedding, and Emily bundled part of the sheet up against her nose, feeling sleepy and comforted by that smell and the memory of the previous night. 

Sue crept down the stairs, careful to avoid their creaks and possibly wake anyone else in the household, and slipped out the front door. Birds chirped in the trees overhead, greeting the early morning, and Sue looked up at the sky while she made the short walk back to The Evergreens. The moon still glowed above her, distant and gray. 

When she reached the front door of her house, she paused to stick her hand in her coat pocket, pulling out her wedding ring and slipping it back on her finger before going inside.


	10. “And That’s the Thing About Illicit Affairs…”

i.

Emily and Sue made an agreement. They would be as sensitive to Austin’s feelings as much as possible, and extra careful to ensure never revealing themselves and the true nature of their relationship. But they were sick of trying to pretend like they didn’t love each other. They gave not loving each other a try, and it was terrible, so no more. 

As hard as it still was for Emily to see Sue and Austin together, she made peace with the fact that Sue had no other choice but to marry him. It was keeping her alive. And when you love someone, you want what’s best for them even if it hurts. And she could keep whatever sadness or resentment she felt tucked away somewhere now. She knew how Sue truly felt about her, and lived for their quiet moments together in dark corners. 

In a bout of frustration, Mrs. Dickinson raised her voice at Emily one day in October, berating her again for her lack of know-how in domestic activities. This was nothing new, and deep down, Emily knew she just happened to be at the receiving end of whatever was really bothering her mother, but it still stung, especially because she had been making a conscious effort to be better and help around the house more. 

Upstairs, she stood by her window, looking outside and trying not to cry, feeling like she couldn’t do anything right. 

Sue wrapped her arms around her waist from behind, squeezed her tightly, and whispered “I love you” into her hair. 

And she immediately felt better.

ii.

Right before Thanksgiving, Emily came down with a terrible head cold. She spiked a fever, and was overly sweaty and delirious. 

Sue came to her bedside a few times a day, pressing cold compresses to her forehead, changing her damp bedding, brushing her hair, and feeding her spoonfuls of soup. 

On the fourth day, Emily started feeling like a human again. Her fever broke and some energy returned, and when Sue came by that day, she was feeling less congested and more cheerful. 

“Thank you for taking care of me.”

Sue sat on the edge of the bed, resting the back of her fingers on Emily’s forehead for a moment to check for fever, but her complexion was just typically warm. She tenderly brushed some hair away from Emily’s face.

“I’ll always take care of you.”

iii.

The bed was empty on a cold day in December. 

They lied naked and sprawled on the floor in front of Emily’s fireplace, a low flame crackling next to them to warm the room. They each leaned their heads on an arm, facing each other, wrapped in a large knitted blanket. Their feet peaked out the bottom and stacked upon each other against the carpet.

Emily was the first to speak.

“Tell me what our life together would be like,” she said just above a whisper, looking into Sue’s eyes. “In another life…if things could be different…tell me how it would be.”

“Well…” Sue began. She thought for a moment. And before she spoke again, she began to run her thumb back and forth over Emily’s left eyebrow. “We’d have a little house…and a little dog…and a beautiful garden full of flowers. And you could write every day.” That made Emily smile. “And we would play, and read…and cook, and kiss…and be happy.”

Emily closed her eyes, keeping that wry smile, thinking of that paradise. Sue wrapped her arm around Emily’s back, pulling her even closer so that their hips touched.

“It would be just like this,” she said, swallowing. “Only I wouldn’t have to rush off anywhere. We could just…lie like this all day and night in each other’s arms.”

“I wish.”

_And that’s the thing about illicit affairs,  
And clandestine meetings and stolen stares.  
They show their truth one single time,  
But they lie and they lie and they lie  
A million little times… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I especially want to thank those of you who commented on this story. I appreciate getting feedback so much, as it encourages me to continue writing. I'm sure I will write more Emisue stories in the future. <3


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